Space... the final frontier.

Have you ever seen a space shuttle atop a large cargo plane??  Well... I have, and it's pretty cool.  :)  The Space Shuttle Endeavour left Edwards AFB this morning here in our little valley and flew over Palmdale and Lancaster on it final ferry flight.  It was a pretty awesome sight to see up close.  I was driving sadly so I didn't get any pictures, but here's one I found.  Pretty cool huh? :)

 

 

The Quiet

It's a strange sensation when you come home at 9 am in the morning after having dropped kids off at school and find baby and yourself alone in the house.  It's quite, no one needs anything, and it's off to nap time for baby.  What do you do now??  I don't quite know. 

 

I took Miss Mae to her first day of preschool this morning and she was SO EXCITED!  She kept skipping and jumping, wouldn't hold still and was smiling from ear to ear.  I met some of the other moms while we waited, and when the doors of the school room opened she dashed in!  I signed her in and went to say goodbye, but she was already so involved in what she was doing that she didn't even have time to say goodbye.  Can you believe it?  My little angel is one her own at school, and she wasn't the least bit scared! 

 

Now I figured this would happen because Kenya is absolutely FEARLESS, but I had hoped that she would acknowledge me just a little.  Boy was I disappointed.  But I know she's been wanting this for a long time, so I tried to just let her go on her own and walk out.  It was hard. 

 

When did my babies start growing up?  Ian wouldn't even give me a kiss at school the other day.  Has it begun already?  Will I now become the mom that they are embarrassed by?  I had always hoped that would take longer to happen. 

 

I don't remember being embarrassed by my parents.  In fact, if I recall, my dad was a VP at my high school and I spent ever lunch with him and was never bothered by his presence at my school.  Ehh... who knows.  Maybe I'm just strange. :) 

 

Well, here's Kenya.  She's a tough one to get still, so the pics aren't great, but they'll be good memories!

 



Trapped

Moving to a new place has it's difficulties and for me it's always feeling trapped.  The walls of my own home feel like some sort of barrier that is impenetrable.  The curtains remain closed to keep the heat out and the cool in, but the light stays out too.  The baby's schedule maintains that I remain at home through out most of the day.  I have to rediscover where everything belongs, how I want the pictures to be place and what to do with all the unseemly boxes now lying around.  Sometimes this can be a fun task, but after have done it so many times, it has become a chore.  One I'm not all that interested in finishing lately.  I feel like another move is always on the horizon, so why bother unpacking things that aren't necessary right now. 

 

Though the house is wonderful and more than we could possibly need, I feel like it's foreign to me.  Being foreign also makes it feel slightly uncomfortable to me.  Something is missing.  Something is off. 

 

Though I LOVE being a mother, I also have difficulties with it.  I always thought that I would have a child and automatically love every aspect about motherhood.  That I would always feel happy about my job in life, that things would be wonderful.  Things are wonderful, but not every moment of every day.

 

Sometimes I feel like the monotany of motherhood traps me.  Life is the same day after day, with not much to challenge me intellectually.  I wake up, make breakfast (for which most of the time the kids aren't happy with and aren't afraid to voice it), we have scriptures, and all say goodbye to dad as he walks out the door for work.  I then make Ian's lunch (he's helpful in this, for which I'm grateful), get the kids teeth brushed (always a fight), do the older kids hair, and we grab backpacks and head out the door.  It's off to school for Ian and back home for the other kids and I. 

 

On comes the chore.  It's either laundry (collect and start, eventually leading to a pile on my bed that I fold and put away), dishes (there is always a stack ready to be loaded and a full load ready to be emptied), vacuuming, cleaning counters, etc...  I'm sure I'm not the only mom with chores. :)

 

After lunch we pick up Ian from school and while the younger two nap, Ian and I do homework.  Soon after naps end I'm fixing dinner (of which there is almost always a compliant about what I'm making ... unless it's homemade pizza).  We sit down for dinner and 90% of the time the two older children are complaining that they don't like dinner and they want something else.  We struggle about them eating at least "this much" and then give up and they leave the table. 

 

Time to clean up dinner while the rest of the family plays.  Soon the kids are getting ready for bed, cleaning up the toy room, and are off to bed.  There are a couple of hours to myself before bed, but nothing sounds enticing.  Reading, crafting, anything that would exert energy feels like it's too much. 

 

Sooner than I know it we are asleep.  The alarm rings at 5:30 am and life starts over again.  The same as the day before. 

 

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, for I am truly a blessed woman with a wonderful husband, 3 beautiful healthy children, all that I could need and more.  I just feel trapped at times.  Stuck in a loop with no end in sight.  The feeling is suffocating and depressing. 

 

Maybe I'm out of line and should always feel beyond happy about my motherhood role in life.  But that's just not how I'm feeling.