Seeing the Blessings

Hindsight truly is 20/20 and boy is it crazy to look back and see things after the fact.  

Today was my first Sunday that I wasn't in Primary with the kids, that I went to drop off Trey and then join Brian in Sunday School.  It was a little weird.  I watched all the kids around me as they waited to enter the Primary room and as they filed into their seats and my heart ached to be in there with them today.  They are so precious and I've grown to love them so much, to know their names, their likes and dislikes, and to enjoy their little smiles.  

It caught me by surprise.  

When I was first called to be the Primary President I was extremely nervous, not just because it involved helping run the entire Primary organization for our ward, but most because I've never been terribly fond of other people's children.  On a case by case basis with only a few at a time I could usually muscle my way through it, but I was terrified of being in the room with so many children at once.  I'm really not sure what it was/is that I don't like, but there it is.  

I know, this might come as a surprise somewhat, cause I've been told not just a few times that I work well with children, but whenever I'm around a ton of glowing, curious, noisy faces I kind of freak.  

But I digress.  

Over the last 6 months of spending time with these wonderful little spirits I've learned a new love for children.  I've been blessed to have them teach me love and kindness.  Blessed to see their smiling faces shining at me when I wasn't having a particularly great day.  I have so many fond memories of them, all of them.  I think I finally got to know each kids name.  And now, I get to see them smiling at me across the isle in Sacrament Meeting, waving  like they haven't seen me in years and I'm Santa Claus or the Easter bunny.  :) I hope that doesn't change any time soon, cause I will surly miss it. 

I still am unsure of all the Lord meant for me to learn while I served in that capacity, but I learned a lot.  I learned love for those sweet little spirits, and patience.  I learned how pure their hearts are and how much they are truly more in tune with our Savior than I am.  I learned to enjoy those moments spent with the kids, to see their eyes light up as they answered a question or was called upon to help.  It seems that nothing is better than that.  How can anything be better than those little angels.  

Another blessing that came so suddenly that I don't think I even recognized it until today was how Trey transitioned into Primary.  When he was in Nursery he would cry almost every time we dropped him off.  He got better towards the very end of last year, but then January came and he was now in Primary.  Every week it seemed he clung to me as I tried to do my duties and take care of Primary concerns.  This week he went to class with only a small pout on his face momentarily and sat there with his teacher happily.  He was asked to give the closing prayer, and I thought for sure he would shy away and wouldn't do it, but to my surprise he hopped up and with my help said a good prayer without being shy.  To me, he was amazing!  He has grown so much in just the last 4 weeks! A blessing I hadn't noticed before?  Sure is!  

I've seen so many more blessings in my life from this opportunity to serve and I'm sure I will continue to see more.  God is not stingy with his blessings and for that I'm truly grateful! 

Sports Photos

If you've been keeping up with our lives, you know by now that Kenya was in dance and Ian is playing basketball. 

Well, we just got their sports pictures back and I wanted to make sure and share them with you. 

 Brian was actually kind of disappointed that they Photoshopped these kids together for their team picture and left the coaches out.  Brian enjoys being the coach and wishes he could have been a part of their picture as well. 

Simple Pleasures

Just wanted to give you a few updates and pictures to enjoy. 

Ian is nearing the end of his basketball season and though it has been great, I think we are all ready for a little slow down.  

Ian's also made good use of some of his awesome Christmas Gifts. 

 "Grandma... Look at me!"

Sampson is growing like crazy.  He's now the same size as Enzo and sure to be bigger soon. 

The dogs are very much loved in our home.  Check it out below. :) 

Or maybe it's Brian whose loved.... can't really tell. 

Monday the kids didn't have any school, so we made a trip over to a neighbors to check out the work on their crawl space.  It's been fun to see the progression. 

When it was time to go I sent the kids out to the car and a few moments later I heard Kenya crying a little as if Ian had said something mean to her.  I have to admit, I rolled my eyes and prepared to face whatever goofiness the kids were fighting about.  

 Ian came running up the sidewalk.  "Mom, Kenya has blood on her toe!"  I still wasn't worried though, she was wearing sandals and could have easily stubbed her toes on the pavement, so I made my way to her with little rush.  

Upon reaching her I came to find that her whole big toe was covered in blood and it was dripping all over the sidewalk.  It was quite surprising to me, seeing as how she wasn't really wailing as though she was going to die.  

 

I came to find out later that she had tried to pick up a large stone brick and it had fallen back on her toe, smashing it quite fully.  

She only complained for a short while.  I got her cleaned up with the help of my friends and had her keep her foot up till the bleeding stopped.  But she acted just fine.  The next day, to my utter surprise, she was wearing her tennis shoes and running pretty normally.  Man my girl is tough!  

The picture above doesn't even do it justice as it is way more bruised and discolored.  But hey, I wouldn't want to make you sick looking at it now, would I?  ;)

Let's just say that she was pretty happy to sit on the couch and eat her lunch while watching "Octonauts". 

Called to Serve

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I, along with all members, are asked to serve in some capacity or another to keep the ward functioning and continue the work of God.  About 6 months ago I was called to serve as the Primary President.  Just last week I was released from this calling. 

The last 6 months have been emotionally, spiritually, and physically straining.  So many of my thoughts and prayers were centered around these beautiful children I had the opportunity to direct and  teach.  Many hours were spent seeking knowledge and guidance from the Lord on the direction for these children.  

There were moments of pure joy, moments of pure frustration, moments of disappointment, and moments of sadness.  The last 4 days I spent going through all these emotions as well. As I was released I felt a relief at no longer having the burden and responsibility on my shoulder, but I also felt such deep sadness at no longer being a part of these brilliant little lives.  

Words were said and looks given that have made me feel like a failure.  I've felt alone and frustrated at the lack of understanding this time in my life.  I was lead to believe that though I put everything I could into my service, though I did my very best, that I failed as a president.  I spent several days crying, doubting myself and my faith, doubting if I would ever leave the house again.  It may seem dramatic, but that's how my feelings work.  

As I thought back over the last 6 months and the mistakes I know I made and the restitution I tried to provide I could think of nothing else but that I wasn't meant to be in this church, wasn't meant to be among these people, that I wasn't good enough. 

 I've never felt this way with any calling I've held in the church.  I've felt that at the end of my service, when it was time to be released that I'd done my best and that the Lord was happy with my service and that my fellow brothers and sisters around me in my ward were happy with my service.  But not this time.  I felt none of that, only a dark void of failure.  

Last night, as Brian and I headed to bed, I was struggling to keep my emotions in check, struggling to feel any worth.   I tried to hide it from my husband, but only moments after the lights went out, he scooted over to me and held me close.  

"Kayla, Would you like me to give you a priesthood blessing?"  He whispered quietly in my ear.  

The tears I'd been struggling to keep at bay, forcing to stay behind the curtains came flooding down my cheeks.  I felt his love for me, but I felt I didn't deserve a blessing.  Who was I to ask for help when I had so totally failed, when I had disappointed my bishop, my brothers and sisters in the church and most importantly disappointed my God.  

Brian held me even closer, not letting me pull away.  "I felt impressed to ask you.  I think it will help, but only if you want it."

I nodded and broke free from him, making my way to the bathroom to blow my nose and regain some composure before I went back out to him.  He sat waiting for my answer. 

I could barely utter much, but I knew I needed to ask.  "Please promise me that only what the Lord wants me to hear is what I'll hear."  

Brian nodded.  

Moments later, with his hands on my head I felt an outpouring of love from my Heavenly Father and Savior.  I felt their support of me, their appreciation for all my efforts and service.  My Heavenly Father wasn't disappointed with me or with my service.  He knew my heart and knew how much I tried to succeed in every aspect of my calling.  I felt calmed and at peace with my efforts.  Though all I had was a desire to know what the Lord felt for me, that was enough.  I don't know if I've ever felt  so immediately their love and peace for me as I did in that moment. 

Does this mean I did everything perfectly while I served?  No.  I made mistakes, I tried to fix those mistakes, I gave it my best.  I learned a lot and I feel at peace with myself.  I do wish I could have spent more time trying to teach and serve the little ones, but the Lord must have other plans for me and I anxiously await my next call.