Moving to a new place has it's difficulties and for me it's always feeling trapped. The walls of my own home feel like some sort of barrier that is impenetrable. The curtains remain closed to keep the heat out and the cool in, but the light stays out too. The baby's schedule maintains that I remain at home through out most of the day. I have to rediscover where everything belongs, how I want the pictures to be place and what to do with all the unseemly boxes now lying around. Sometimes this can be a fun task, but after have done it so many times, it has become a chore. One I'm not all that interested in finishing lately. I feel like another move is always on the horizon, so why bother unpacking things that aren't necessary right now.
Though the house is wonderful and more than we could possibly need, I feel like it's foreign to me. Being foreign also makes it feel slightly uncomfortable to me. Something is missing. Something is off.
Though I LOVE being a mother, I also have difficulties with it. I always thought that I would have a child and automatically love every aspect about motherhood. That I would always feel happy about my job in life, that things would be wonderful. Things are wonderful, but not every moment of every day.
Sometimes I feel like the monotany of motherhood traps me. Life is the same day after day, with not much to challenge me intellectually. I wake up, make breakfast (for which most of the time the kids aren't happy with and aren't afraid to voice it), we have scriptures, and all say goodbye to dad as he walks out the door for work. I then make Ian's lunch (he's helpful in this, for which I'm grateful), get the kids teeth brushed (always a fight), do the older kids hair, and we grab backpacks and head out the door. It's off to school for Ian and back home for the other kids and I.
On comes the chore. It's either laundry (collect and start, eventually leading to a pile on my bed that I fold and put away), dishes (there is always a stack ready to be loaded and a full load ready to be emptied), vacuuming, cleaning counters, etc... I'm sure I'm not the only mom with chores. :)
After lunch we pick up Ian from school and while the younger two nap, Ian and I do homework. Soon after naps end I'm fixing dinner (of which there is almost always a compliant about what I'm making ... unless it's homemade pizza). We sit down for dinner and 90% of the time the two older children are complaining that they don't like dinner and they want something else. We struggle about them eating at least "this much" and then give up and they leave the table.
Time to clean up dinner while the rest of the family plays. Soon the kids are getting ready for bed, cleaning up the toy room, and are off to bed. There are a couple of hours to myself before bed, but nothing sounds enticing. Reading, crafting, anything that would exert energy feels like it's too much.
Sooner than I know it we are asleep. The alarm rings at 5:30 am and life starts over again. The same as the day before.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful, for I am truly a blessed woman with a wonderful husband, 3 beautiful healthy children, all that I could need and more. I just feel trapped at times. Stuck in a loop with no end in sight. The feeling is suffocating and depressing.
Maybe I'm out of line and should always feel beyond happy about my motherhood role in life. But that's just not how I'm feeling.
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