Called to Serve

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I, along with all members, are asked to serve in some capacity or another to keep the ward functioning and continue the work of God.  About 6 months ago I was called to serve as the Primary President.  Just last week I was released from this calling. 

The last 6 months have been emotionally, spiritually, and physically straining.  So many of my thoughts and prayers were centered around these beautiful children I had the opportunity to direct and  teach.  Many hours were spent seeking knowledge and guidance from the Lord on the direction for these children.  

There were moments of pure joy, moments of pure frustration, moments of disappointment, and moments of sadness.  The last 4 days I spent going through all these emotions as well. As I was released I felt a relief at no longer having the burden and responsibility on my shoulder, but I also felt such deep sadness at no longer being a part of these brilliant little lives.  

Words were said and looks given that have made me feel like a failure.  I've felt alone and frustrated at the lack of understanding this time in my life.  I was lead to believe that though I put everything I could into my service, though I did my very best, that I failed as a president.  I spent several days crying, doubting myself and my faith, doubting if I would ever leave the house again.  It may seem dramatic, but that's how my feelings work.  

As I thought back over the last 6 months and the mistakes I know I made and the restitution I tried to provide I could think of nothing else but that I wasn't meant to be in this church, wasn't meant to be among these people, that I wasn't good enough. 

 I've never felt this way with any calling I've held in the church.  I've felt that at the end of my service, when it was time to be released that I'd done my best and that the Lord was happy with my service and that my fellow brothers and sisters around me in my ward were happy with my service.  But not this time.  I felt none of that, only a dark void of failure.  

Last night, as Brian and I headed to bed, I was struggling to keep my emotions in check, struggling to feel any worth.   I tried to hide it from my husband, but only moments after the lights went out, he scooted over to me and held me close.  

"Kayla, Would you like me to give you a priesthood blessing?"  He whispered quietly in my ear.  

The tears I'd been struggling to keep at bay, forcing to stay behind the curtains came flooding down my cheeks.  I felt his love for me, but I felt I didn't deserve a blessing.  Who was I to ask for help when I had so totally failed, when I had disappointed my bishop, my brothers and sisters in the church and most importantly disappointed my God.  

Brian held me even closer, not letting me pull away.  "I felt impressed to ask you.  I think it will help, but only if you want it."

I nodded and broke free from him, making my way to the bathroom to blow my nose and regain some composure before I went back out to him.  He sat waiting for my answer. 

I could barely utter much, but I knew I needed to ask.  "Please promise me that only what the Lord wants me to hear is what I'll hear."  

Brian nodded.  

Moments later, with his hands on my head I felt an outpouring of love from my Heavenly Father and Savior.  I felt their support of me, their appreciation for all my efforts and service.  My Heavenly Father wasn't disappointed with me or with my service.  He knew my heart and knew how much I tried to succeed in every aspect of my calling.  I felt calmed and at peace with my efforts.  Though all I had was a desire to know what the Lord felt for me, that was enough.  I don't know if I've ever felt  so immediately their love and peace for me as I did in that moment. 

Does this mean I did everything perfectly while I served?  No.  I made mistakes, I tried to fix those mistakes, I gave it my best.  I learned a lot and I feel at peace with myself.  I do wish I could have spent more time trying to teach and serve the little ones, but the Lord must have other plans for me and I anxiously await my next call.